The Indoor Pirates On Treasure Island

  Jeremy Strong once worked in a bakery, putting the jam into three thousand doughnuts every night. Now he puts the jam in stories instead, which he finds much more exciting. At the age of three, he fell out of a first-floor bedroom window and landed on his head. His mother says that this damaged him for the rest of his life and refuses to take any responsibility. He loves writing stories because he says it is ‘the only time you alone have complete control and can make anything happen’. His ambition is to make you laugh (or at least snuffle). Jeremy Strong lives near Bath with his wife, Gillie, four cats and a flying cow.

  Are you feeling silly enough to read more?

  THE BATTLE FOR CHRISTMAS

  THE BEAK SPEAKS

  BEWARE! KILLER TOMATOES

  CHICKEN SCHOOL

  DINOSAUR POX

  GIANT JIM AND THE HURRICANE

  I'M TELLING YOU, THEY'RE ALIENS

  THE INDOOR PIRATES

  THE INDOOR PIRATES ON TREASURE ISLAND

  INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS

  THE KARATE PRINCESS

  THE KARATE PRINCESS TO THE RESCUE

  KRAZY COW SAVES THE WORLD – WELL, ALMOST

  LET'S DO THE PHARAOH!

  PANDEMONIUM AT SCHOOL

  PIRATE PANDEMONIUM

  THE SHOCKING ADVENTURES OF LIGHTNING LUCY

  THERE'S A PHARAOH IN OUR BATH!

  THERE'S A VIKING IN MY BED AND OTHER STORIES

  TROUBLE WITH ANIMALS

  Read about Streaker's adventures:

  THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  RETURN OF THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  WANTED! THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  LOST! THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  Read about Nicholas's daft family:

  MY DAD'S GOT AN ALLIGATOR!

  MY GRANNY'S GREAT ESCAPE

  MY MUM'S GOING TO EXPLODE!

  MY BROTHER'S FAMOUS BOTTOM

  MY BROTHER'S FAMOUS BOTTOM GETS PINCHED

  MY BROTHER'S FAMOUS BOTTOM GOES CAMPING

  MY BROTHER'S HOT CROSS BOTTOM

  JEREMY STRONG'S LAUGH-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF JOKE BOOK

  Illustrated by

  Nick Sharratt

  PUFFIN

  This is for Jack

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

  Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  puffinbooks.com

  Text copyright © Jeremy Strong, 1998

  Illustrations copyright © Nick Sharratt, 1998

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  ISBN: 978-0-14-190894-6

  Contents

  1 An Introduction to the Indoor Pirates

  2 A Testing Time

  3 Trouble from Next Door

  4 On the Treasure Trail

  5 Blackpatch Has a Plan

  6 Treasure Island at Last

  1 An Introduction to the Indoor Pirates

  There were lots of things the Indoor Pirates didn't like. They didn't like the sea, because it was wet. They didn't like the rain, because that was wet too. And they didn't like bathing much, because that was very, VERY wet.

  They didn't even like going on boats because they got collywobbles in their stomachs. (But they did like playing with boats in the bath.) It was because they didn't like the sea or boats that they lived in a house, and that was why they were called the Indoor Pirates – because they lived indoors, of course, at number 25 Dolphin Street.

  There were five pirates altogether, with Captain Blackpatch as the leader. He had a thin pointy beard, a thin pointy moustache, and a thin pointy nose. He had a proper black patch too, even though it was on the torn sleeve of his jacket and not over one eye like most pirate captains. Captain Blackpatch reckoned he was a very good captain, and he gave orders to his crew in a gruff, captain-ing kind of voice. Then he'd sneak off and have a little nap while everyone else worked.

  There were two girl pirates, and their names were Molly and Polly. They were twins and they spent most of their time arguing with each other. They could argue about absolutely anything, and they would too. Molly might say, ‘I can run faster than you.’

  And Polly would say, ‘So? SO?! I can run slower than you!’

  That was just the sort of silly quarrel they liked to have. On and on they'd go, arguing about their hair, or how prongy their forks were, or how much fizz they had in their drink – until Captain Blackpatch got so cross he'd make them walk the plank. Even then Polly and Molly carried on arguing.

  ‘You go first.’

  ‘No – you go first.’

  ‘I'll go first if you go in front of me!’ Eventually Blackpatch would get so fed up with listening to them, he would put on his earphones and turn up his Walkman. (Captain Blackpatch liked listening to 101 Sea Songs for Landlubbers.)

  Bald Ben was First Mate. He had huge muscles and was so strong he could lift up an armchair with one arm. (I don't mean the armchair had one arm – I mean Bald Ben only needed one arm to lift it up.) Bald Ben wasn't totally bald. He did have something on his head, and that was a tattoo of a red rose. Underneath the rose was a message: I LOVE MUM.

  The fifth Indoor Pirate was Lumpy Lawson. He was tall and thin and he was Chief Cook and Scrubber-Upper. Sadly, he was not terribly good at cooking. Lumpy Lawson's gravy had more lumps in it than a bag of potatoes. When he got upset about something he also had a habit of shouting out very bad words, like ‘jigglepoops!’

  Although they didn't like boats or the sea, the pirates had made the inside of their house just like a boat. There were no stairs, just rope rigging to climb up and down. They had painted the walls blue with fluffy white clouds. There were several plastic seagulls hanging from the ceilings.

  The pirates thought that living in a house was much better than being on a boat. For one thing, they could go to the shops and the park whenever they wanted. The Indoor Pirates liked going to the park because there was a big climbing frame there built in the shape of a pirate ship. They didn't get seasick when they went on this pirate ship, and if it rained they could run home before they got too wet.

  Of course, the Indoor Pirates tried to pretend they weren't pirates at all. It was supposed to be a secret, but everyone knew because there was a big black Jolly Roger flying from the chimney pot of number 25 and, in any case, they dressed like pirates. The milkman knew straight away.

  ‘You're a pirate, are
n't you?’ he asked Captain Blackpatch.

  ‘No, I'm not!’

  ‘Yes you are. You're wearing a pirate captain's hat and pirate clothes. You must be a pirate.’

  ‘No I'm not!’ growled Captain Blackpatch.

  ‘What are you then?’

  ‘I'm… I'm… I'm a bank manager!’ declared Blackpatch.

  ‘A bank manager! Don't be silly. Bank managers don't wear pirate costumes.’

  ‘We're having a fancy dress party at the bank,’ the Captain claimed rather lamely.

  ‘Oh yes?’ The milkman raised his eyebrows. ‘And my name's Snow White.’

  Captain Blackpatch gazed back haughtily. ‘I think that's a very silly name for a milkman,’ he said, snatching two pints of milk from the milkman and slamming the door.

  Despite all the pretence, the neighbours quite liked the pirates. Mrs Bishop, who lived at number 27, was especially fond of Bald Ben. He often carried her shopping bags home for her. Sometimes she cut flowers from her garden and gave them to him, and sometimes she made all the pirates little cakes and biscuits. The pirates loved Mrs Bishop's cakes and biscuits because they didn't have lumps in them, unlike the ones Lumpy Lawson made.

  Life at number 25 Dolphin Street had been going along fairly smoothly for some time, until the day Captain Blackpatch went into town because he had run out of jelly babies. He bought some more without any trouble, but he missed the bus back from the shops, and had to wait over an hour, in the rain, and came back soaked to the skin.

  He stood in the hall with water dripping from his hat, his nose, his hair, his beard, his arms and all his clothes. A large pool of water collected around his feet. ‘The bus never came!’ he roared. ‘I could have got home more quickly if I'd walked!’

  ‘Why didn't you?’ asked Lumpy Lawson, and a very sensible question it was too.

  Blackpatch ignored him. He pulled off his coat and wrung it out. ‘I shall tell you one thing – I am never going to wait for a bus again, and I am never going to stand in the rain like that again either.’

  ‘That's two things,’ said Bald Ben. ‘You said you'd only tell us one thing. Which of those two things do you want us to listen to?’

  Captain Blackpatch shot a murderous glance at him, but Bald Ben was much stronger than he was so he decided not to murder him after all. ‘And,’ the Captain went on, ‘I am going to learn to drive.’

  ‘That's three things…’ Bald Ben began.

  ‘Stop arguing with me! You're even worse than Molly and Polly!’

  ‘No he's not,’ said Polly.

  ‘No he is,’ said Molly. ‘He's the worstest… er… the worsting worserer… I mean the worsingest… Oh bother, I give up!’

  Captain Blackpatch jumped on to the table, drew his wooden sword and waved it at them threateningly ‘Wobbling walruses! Will you listen? I am going to learn to drive a car. Then we shan't need to wait for buses any longer and we can go just where we like. Tomorrow morning, when I am nice and dry, we shall go to the garage and buy a car.’

  And that is exactly what they did. The garage man was a little scared when he found himself surrounded by pirates, but he was glad to get rid of one of his rather battered vehicles. Captain Blackpatch fixed his eyes on a small truck. It was blood red, which was an excellent pirate colour, and it had a cabin at the front big enough for two people, and an open space at the back for carrying loads, a bit like the deck of a boat.

  ‘That will do nicely,’ said the Captain, turning to the garage man. ‘How many cannons does it have?’

  ‘Cannons?’ The garage man shook his head. ‘What do you want cannons for?’

  ‘For battles, of course.’

  ‘I think you'll find that other trucks don't have cannons, so I'm sure you'll be all right.’

  ‘Hmmmm. Well, I shall only buy it if you paint a skull and crossbones on each door, and I want a Jolly Roger flying from the aerial. It needs an anchor as well.’

  ‘An anchor?’

  ‘Yes, an anchor so that I can make it stop.’

  ‘But it's got new brakes,’ explained the garage man.

  ‘I don't think you heard me,’ growled the Captain. ‘I won't buy it without the skull and crossbones, a pirate flag, and an anchor.’

  The garage man sighed and said he'd find an anchor. He also arranged to deliver the truck to the house since Blackpatch couldn't actually drive yet. In the meantime, the Indoor Pirates went home so that the Captain could arrange his first driving lesson.

  ‘When we go out in the truck,’ said Polly, ‘I'm going to sit in the front.’

  ‘You'll have to sit on me then,’ snarled Molly, ‘because I'm getting in the front before you.’

  The Captain drew his sword and said that nobody was going to sit up front, except him. ‘You lot can all sit in the back,’ he declared.

  ‘But we might get wet,’ Bald Ben pointed out.

  ‘Good. Maybe it will make your hair grow,’ snapped Blackpatch, and then picked up the telephone so that he could arrange some driving lessons. Although he sounded rather grumpy, he was secretly looking forward to driving his pirate truck.

  2 A Testing Time

  The next day Mr Crock the driving instructor knocked at number 25. When Blackpatch opened the front door, Mr Crock took one look and jumped back a step. ‘Goodness me, you're a pirate!’

  ‘No I'm not,’ scowled Blackpatch. ‘I'm a bank manager.’

  The instructor burst out laughing. ‘If you're a bank manager my name's Snow White!’

  ‘Don't be stupid,’ grunted the Captain. ‘The milkman's Snow White. Now, teach me how to drive.’

  The Indoor Pirates went rushing outside and leaned over the garden wall cheering while Mr Crock and the Captain climbed into the truck. The engine rattled and roared. The exhaust pipe sent out a puff of blue smoke and burped very loudly.

  ‘It has got a cannon!’ cried Captain Blackpatch with delight, as the other pirates dived for cover and fell higgledy-piggledy on top of each other. ‘I heard it go bang!’

  ‘I think it backfired,’ murmured Mr Crock.

  ‘Don't be daft. Cannons can't backfire. You might be a driving instructor but I don't think you're very bright. Do you know

  what would happen if cannons did backfire? We'd end up shooting ourselves. What's the point in doing that?’

  Mr Crock didn't have an answer to this, so he meekly suggested that they got going.

  ‘Full speed ahead!’ cried Captain Blackpatch and off they went,

  with a jolt,

  and a judder,

  and a jerk,

  and a jump.

  The driving instructor clung to his seat as Captain Blackpatch went sailing down the road at an ever-increasing speed. The first corner was coming up fast.

  ‘I think now would be a good time to try an emergency stop,’ shouted Mr Crock.

  ‘OK – anchors away!’ shouted the Captain and he hurled the anchor out through the window so that it hooked round a passing lamp-post.

  Unfortunately, the anchor was attached to the rear bumper, and as soon as the chain was paid out there was a sickening KERRUNCH! and the bumper was torn off the back. The truck went careering on and there was a second sickening KERRUNCH! – as it finally managed to stop by ploughing straight into a rather stout and sturdy tree.

  After that first little drive, Captain Blackpatch had to wait a week for his next lesson because the truck was in the garage, recovering from its bruises, and Mr Crock was in bed at home, recovering from his bruises.

  When Blackpatch did have another lesson, Mr Crock started by carefully showing his pirate-pupil the brake and explaining what it was, what it did, and how to use it. From then on, the Captain's driving improved rapidly and soon Mr Crock decided that Captain Blackpatch was ready to take his driving test.

  ‘You'd better get your friends to help you learn the Highway Code,’ he suggested.

  The Indoor Pirates enjoyed testing the Captain. Their glorious leader sat on a chair in the middle of the roo
m, surrounded by the crew who fired questions at him very fiercely, as if he was their prisoner and they were trying to find out where the hidden treasure was.

  ‘What should you always do before you start driving?’ asked Molly.

  ‘Switch the engine on.’

  ‘No, something else.’

  ‘Shut the door.’

  ‘No, something else,’ insisted Molly.

  ‘Er, take off the handbrake?’

  ‘No, something else…’

  ‘Blow your nose?’

  ‘No, something –’

  ‘I DON'T KNOW!’ exploded Captain Blackpatch. ‘Tell me, you idiot!’

  ‘Look in your mirror, signal, then pull out.’

  ‘Why should I look in my mirror? To see if my lipstick's on properly? I'm not a girly!’

  Polly pointed at her twin sister. ‘You're a girly!’

  ‘Yeah – and you're a boyly!’ sneered Molly.

  ‘A boyly! What's a boyly meant to be?’ Polly demanded.

  ‘It's what you are,’ snapped Molly, who hadn't got a clue what she was talking about – and neither had anyone else.

  ‘What does a triangular sign mean with a picture of a cow?’ asked Bald Ben.

  ‘Low-flying cows.’

  ‘Wrong!’ shouted Bald Ben happily. ‘Now you have to start again.’ Ben made it sound as if they were playing snakes and ladders.

  Captain Blackpatch got to his feet. ‘I'm not putting up with any more of this,’ he sulked. ‘I'm going to bed. Nobody around here seems to appreciate who's been putting in all the work. I have been learning to drive, and with good reason because I have got a plan. In fact, it's more of a treat than a plan. If I fail my test tomorrow then you'll all be sorry. So there.’

  And Blackpatch clambered up the rope rigging to his bedroom, leaving the other pirates wondering what sort of treat their captain had in mind.