Krazy Kow Saves the World - Well, Almost Page 7

  ‘Look, Tom, two little love birds,’ Rebecca teased. He sniggered.

  Cat turned a deep red and stared at her feet. ‘Just ignore them,’ she whispered through gritted teeth, but for once I didn’t want to ignore them. I slipped one arm round Cat’s shoulder, pulled her closer and kissed her.

  (ONLY ON THE CHEEK! I’M NOT MAD!)

  Cat looked up at me with an enormous smile, while Rebecca and Tom’s mouths dropped open and all their brains fell out. They were speechless! It felt like – you know what it felt like? – it was as if I had just walked up to a two-headed dragon and chopped off both heads with a single blow – swisssssh! It was dead and gone. For ever.

  Cat and I turned and walked away from them. I still had my arm round her. Things were going to be OK after all.

  12 Stars and Stuff

  And then again, maybe not.

  It was not difficult to persuade the cast of the film to take part in the new idea. In fact they thought it was brilliant, and their enthusiasm was catching. I began to feel more and more that we were going to be successful after all. I could almost smell that Oscar for Best Director, and maybe another one for Best Screenplay. I got everyone into a huddle and we talked things through.

  ‘We must keep Mrs Drew out of the way so that she doesn’t interfere and spoil everything. We also need a Special Effects Department. We need blood and we need weapons that can be fired through Krazy Kow’s udder.’

  ‘Can we have a crashing car somersaulting across the playground and bursting into flames?’ This query came from Kingston. He’s got a good imagination, but he gets a bit unreal sometimes.

  ‘I don’t think so, Kingston.’

  ‘Huh.’

  ‘How are we going to keep Mrs Drew out of the way?’ asked Wayne Ribble.

  ‘Good question. You can be in charge of that one, Wayne.’ (I thought: Nice one, Jamie, pass the problem back to the person who thought of it!)

  ‘Me?’ Wayne looked worried.

  ‘Yeah, you and Kingston.’ Now Wayne looked even more worried, but Kingston was already on his feet.

  ‘Great! We can tie her up. Yeah, we can tie her up an’ stick a bomb on her head. Come on, Wayne!’

  That got those two out of the way.

  Carl had turned white. ‘He doesn’t really mean that, does he?’

  I burst out laughing. ‘Don’t be stupid! You know what Kingston’s like. Anyhow, Wayne will keep him in order. OK, so what’s next?’

  Cat had some suggestions. ‘I’ve been thinking about blood. In films they use fake blood, yeah? That’s easy. We can make up some sloppy red paint. But the fake blood is usually put in capsules or something. How do we do that?’

  I grinned at everyone. ‘We fill balloons with the fake blood and stuff them up our clothes, and when we burst them the blood will come oozing out.’

  The others looked at me and Cat as if we were superstars. (And, of course, we were! Well, almost.)

  ‘Weapons?’ This came from Carl.

  ‘Leave that to me,’ I said. I was reckoning on phoning Mum at home and getting her to bring my ping-pong gun and water cannon to school. Carl was looking mystified.

  ‘What I can’t see is this: Martin and me are inside Krazy Kow, right? If we slide down the zip wire, how are we going to grip the runner handles? Our hands are inside the costume.’

  ‘Then you’ll have to stick your hands out to hold on,’ I said.

  ‘Won’t that look odd?’

  ‘Not if I film it from the right angle. That’s what they do when they’re making a film in Hollywood. You film it from an angle that doesn’t show what’s actually making it work – like when cars flip over. They use a metal prong that springs up under the car and flips it. But they don’t film the metal prong – they just film the car itself, flying through the air.’

  Carl looked at me happily and nodded. I went on.

  ‘The only thing is that there’s only one runner handle for the wire. That means you’ll both have to hang on to it.’

  Martin had been frowning hard for the last five minutes. He was obviously brooding on something. ‘So I have to hang on to the runner

  handle with two hands and I have to fire the guns through my Swiss army udder with my other two hands?’

  ‘What other two hands?’ demanded Carl crossly. ‘You haven’t got four hands.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Martin agreed.

  The three of us gazed at each other. Martin had a point, and it was an awkward one. Cat came to the rescue and she asked Carl if he thought he was strong enough to hang on for two people?

  ‘Yeah, I think so. It won’t take long for us to reach the ground.’

  ‘OΚ, then suppose we put a rope harness round Martin, and tie the rope round Carl’s trouser belt. Martin can hang there inside, leaving both hands free to fire the udder guns.’

  It was such a good solution that we just sat there, smiling at each other. We were going to make this thing work!

  ‘Kooky Savage is really going to wish she was in our film,’ I grinned.

  By the time the lunch-hour arrived the whole school was in a state of high excitement. Everyone was awaiting the arrival of the two superstars. In the meantime the Special Effects Department had managed to knock up a tub full of fake blood, made with crimson powder paint and water. The weapons had arrived too. The school secretary was slightly surprised when Mum turned up with a delivery of water cannons and ping-pong bazookas, but when Mum said it was for the film the secretary assumed that it was Mrs Drew who had asked for them.

  Everything was set. The guests arrived.

  I never expected Dwight Trellis to be so tall. When you watched a United game on telly you could see him whizzing about the place, leaping into the air, heading the ball and so on, but the TV didn’t give any real idea of his size. He must have been over two metres. He towered above everyone.

  There were kids all round him, clamouring for his autograph. Dwight stood there with a huge smile, merrily signing away and chatting to them all.

  There was another seething mass of kids surrounding Kooky Savage. Now that I could see her close up I realized that she was truly beautiful. She was Glamour On Legs.

  ‘I can’t breathe,’ she kept saying. ‘Give me a bit of space, will you? I neeeeed SPACE!’ Yet another piece of paper was thrust under her nose. ‘What’s that – toilet paper? I can’t sign a teeny bit of scrumpled rubbish like that.’ Kooky suddenly screeched at the top of her voice. ‘PROPER AUTOGRAPH BOOKS ONLY! I REFUSE TO SIGN DIDDLY SCRAPS OF PAPER.’

  A hundred children groaned. ‘Please, Miss Savage, we haven’t got proper autograph books. We’ve got clean paper, look.’

  Kooky Savage stood firm, folding her arms across her chest. Autograph books only.’

  One by one the children drifted away from Kooky and joined the throng round Dwight Trellis instead. He was still going great guns, scribbling his name across anything that moved.

  ‘He signed the plaster on my broken arm,’ said one kid.

  ‘So? He’s done my shirt,’ said another.

  ‘He signed my HEAD!’ cried Wayne Ribble, and it was true. Wayne had recently had one of those Everything Must Go haircuts that had left him bald and shiny. Now he had Dwight Trellis written across his skull.

  Mrs Drew and the teaching staff appeared and they began to impose some sense of order on everything. The head teacher called me over and introduced me to Kooky Savage.

  ‘Hell’s bells, I’ve never seen so many kids,’ muttered Kooky, and Mrs Drew gave the film star a sharp look.

  ‘It’s a school,’ she said.

  ‘Never seen so many,’ repeated Kooky, almost as if she was frightened.

  Mrs Drew pushed me forward. ‘This is Jamie Frink. Jamie is the one who invented Krazy Kow and all the other characters.’

  ‘I’m very pleased to meet you,’ I began, holding out my hand.

  Kooky Savage kept her arms folded. She didn’t even look at me, but gazed round behind her. ‘Is there any fo
od? My agent said there’d be food.’

  Mrs Drew kept smiling. Jamie also had the idea of making a film instead of writing an ordinary story or an essay. It was clever of him, don’t you think?’

  ‘It wasn’t just my idea,’ I said. ‘My friend Cat helped me.’ I smiled across at Cat and beckoned to her to come and join us. Cat hurried over, looking rather red with embarrassment, as usual. ‘She’s a great fan of yours,’ I added.

  ‘Cat?’ Kooky Savage looked mildly astonished. ‘What kind of a name is that?’

  Cat’s face fell. She couldn’t think what to say.

  The film star laughed. ‘What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?’ Kooky screamed with laughter and looked at each one of us to make sure we all realized how clever and funny she was being.

  Mrs Drew smiled back at the film star. ‘Where did you get your name from, Kooky?’

  And that was when I saw my first real superhero. That was when Mrs Drew suddenly turned into Fearless Headmistress-Woman, Super-Wonder-Creature!

  Kooky Savage snapped a glare on Mrs Drew. ‘What?’ she asked, icily.

  ‘You were saying that Cat was an odd name, and it made me wonder how you got to be called Kooky. As you can imagine we come across all sorts of names in a school – but we’ve never had a Kooky.’

  Cat had her teeth and lips clenched together firmly. So did I. We were desperately trying not to laugh. Luckily we were saved at that moment by the arrival of Matt and Tom, along with Gemma and my parents.

  Dad bellowed across the playground. ‘Dwight! I’m your biggest fan!’

  Dwight Trellis gazed across at my idiotic father, running across the playground, waving his arms like some great big child.

  ‘You can’t be my biggest fan,’ Dwight shouted back easily ‘I’ve got fans four times as big as you!’ They both fell about laughing, while Dad shoved some paper into the winger’s hand, for signing.

  Gemma had come up, rather shyly, to see Kooky Savage.

  ‘This is my big sister,’ I said. Gemma gave a curtsy, as if Kooky were the Queen, and like me she held out a hand. Kooky ignored it.

  ‘You’re bigger than the others,’ she observed.

  ‘I’m older,’ said Gemma, as if that weren’t obvious anyhow.

  ‘Why are you still at this school then? Are you thick?’ The film star looked around once more. ‘My agent said there’d be some food.’

  Gemma was stunned. Her eyes had that look in them, the kind of hopeless, blank stare that you see on the faces of people whose dreams have just been wiped out by a few casual words.

  Mrs Drew bustled to the rescue once again. ‘Let’s move over to the film set. That is after all what you have come for – to see some of the filming take place. I’m sure you are going to enjoy it.’

  As they went I noticed a pink figure hanging around the back of the crowd surrounding Dwight Trellis. It was Big Bro. I’d been so busy I had completely forgotten about the football trial. I groaned inwardly. He was going to be so big-headed now. He was going to be insufferable. I went over to him.

  ‘How did it go?’ I asked.

  ‘How do you think it went? I was the only pink footballer there. I didn’t make the team. Now shove off.’

  13 The Greatest Film Ever

  ‘Yοu didn’t make the team?’

  ‘Look at my poxy football kit! Are you surprised?’

  ‘What about Tom Hardy? Did he get picked?’

  Matt grimly shook his head. I asked Big Bro if Tom had been wearing a pink football kit too.

  ‘Of course he wasn’t! I was the only one!’ Matt thundered back at me, but I held my ground.

  ‘You always said Tom was better than you,’ I pointed out. ‘And if Tom didn’t get chosen and he wasn’t wearing a pink kit, then the pink kit had nothing to do with it – that’s all I’m trying to say.’

  Matt fell silent, but I could tell he was still seething so I left him to it. There was nothing more I could do there. Anyhow, I was supposed to be over at the training ground by now, shooting the film.

  I raced back across the playground to join Mrs Drew and the VIP party as they headed for the filming area. The secretary came bustling out of the school, looking very flustered. It seemed as if there had been some kind of emergency phone call. Mrs Drew would have to go and deal with it.

  ‘I’m so sorry to leave you all,’ Mrs Drew apologized. ‘I’m sure the children will look after you. Jamie will explain what we’re doing and I shall get back as quickly as possible.’

  This was obviously part of Wayne and Kingston’s plan to get the head teacher out of the way. My heart lifted. Everything was going just right. I walked along between our two visiting superstars, wondering if some of their fame would fall off them and land on me.

  ‘You wrote this film, did you?’ asked Dwight.

  ‘Yes. The whole thing was my idea.’

  The footballer pursed his lips thoughtfully. ‘I wish I could write. I’d love to write.’

  ‘Why don’t you?’ I asked.

  ‘Me? I’m a footballer, me.’

  ‘That shouldn’t stop you writing,’ I said. There was a snort from Kooky. ‘Anyone can write. That’s what I think, anyhow. Just let your imagination roll, like a film going on inside your head.’

  Dwight frowned. ‘Yeah. Maybe you’re right. I should have a go.’ He paused and looked down at me from his great height. ‘Thanks,’ he added.

  Thanks! Dwight Trellis, the United’s ace winger had just said ‘thanks’ to me! There was another snort from beside me.

  ‘Be surprised if he can write his own name,’ muttered Kooky under her breath, obviously thinking that nobody could hear.

  Cat and the others were waiting impatiently beneath the zip wire. Carl and Martin had already climbed the big oak tree and were on the platform. They stood there inside the cow costume, ready to start.

  ‘Have you got the weapons?’ I shouted up.

  There was a muffled reply from inside which I took to mean a ‘yes’.

  ‘Does everybody know what to do?’ Nods all round. ‘In that case let’s do it! Here come Dwight and Kooky. Cat, you take them over to the chairs and sit them down, while I set the camera. Everybody else, wait for my command.’

  Cat led the protesting actress to her seat. ‘Where’s the cushion?’ she demanded.

  ‘They don’t have cushions,’ Cat told her.

  Kooky eyed Cat suspiciously. ‘I’ve seen you before somewhere. Aren’t you called Dog, or something?’

  Cat ignored her and showed Dwight to his chair. Behind the stars the teachers, my parents and Gemma settled into their seats.

  The big footballer beamed at everybody. ‘This looks good. I’ve never seen a film being made before.’

  ‘Have you got a cushion?’ Kooky asked him and he shook his head. ‘No cushions,’ muttered Kooky. ‘No food. It’s a disgrace.’

  I could hear everything the film star was saying, but I tried to ignore her and concentrate on the film. This was make or break time. It had to be really good, and I was sure it was going to be a billion times better than anything we had filmed before.

  I shouted to the cast. ‘Are the Mashmen ready?’

  ‘Ready!’

  ‘Krazy Kow?’

  ‘NO!’ yelled Carl. ‘Martin’s cut his arm on a branch. He can’t do it.’

  Why is it always like this? Why is it that things always go wrong at the very worst moment? My brain struggled desperately to think of a solution. I felt Cat push past me.

  ‘I’ll do it,’ she muttered, and before I could say anything she was halfway up the tree to join Carl.

  She grinned down, gave me a wave and a moment later she vanished inside the back half of the cow.

  ‘OK,’ I roared. ‘Action!’

  Inside the cow Cat swung from Carl’s waist. Carl reached up, gripped the runner handles and launched himself from the platform. The roller wheels hummed and picked up speed. At first Krazy Kow seemed to wobble, but then down she came, looking utter
ly glorious and fabulous, shining in the bright sunlight.

  Martin let off a burst of fast tempo music from the sound system. Then the Mashmen appeared, running across the grass towards Krazy Kow, their black bin-bag capes flying behind them as they hurled themselves into battle.

  Cat got to work with the ping-pong bazooka. All at once Krazy Kow’s udder had something sticking out of it.

  ‘I am the Big Moo!’ roared Carl, while Cat let rip and ping-pong balls went whizz-pip in every direction. Some of the Mashmen gave blood-curdling yells and fell over as if they’d been hit, bursting their balloons and squirting fake blood everywhere. Cat swapped to the water cannon and suddenly a steady jet of ice-cold water was sprayed everywhere.

  SPLAT!!

  It hit Dwight on the chest and he toppled backwards, so that the whole of the row behind got plastered – Mum, Dad, Gemma and all the teachers. SPLOPP-A-DOPP!!

  It spattered across Kooky’s face. She was so shocked that she stood up, slipped on the wet grass beneath her feet and sat down again.

  Unfortunately her chair was no longer there and she ended up on her backside in the mud. She struggled to get back to her feet and was met with a hail of ping-pong balls.

  Ping-poppa ping-ping-pong pippa poppa ping!

  At this point Krazy Kow suddenly gave a dreadful cry and split in half. Carl’s trouser belt (and his trousers!) had given way under the strain and Cat fell to the ground, a short distance below. Meanwhile Carl, wearing a cow’s head on his top half and his underpants on the bottom, carried on merrily swinging down the zip wire until he finally came to rest on the ground. He immediately set about splashing back through the pools of fake blood in his bare legs, to where Gat was still firing ping-pong balls into the air. Carl grabbed his trousers and tried to put them back on, only to fall into yet another pool of blood.