The Beak Speaks Page 9

  ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ asked Dad, still wincing from the pain. ‘I suppose your granny taught you this too?’

  ‘Oh no, even children know this. If you don’t, you not so clever. Brain maybe only small space station. This take away all pain. Now, I pull you close like so.’ Miriana glanced back over her shoulder. ‘You two, close eyes. Go on, close them. That’s good, Tammy. And you, Mr Organizer-Leopard-Man, good. Now, I make your father’s back better.’

  There was a long, long silence. I heard Tammy take a sharp little breath and she nudged me, hard. I opened my eyes just as Dinah let out a squawk.

  Ooh la la!

  18 Mark: The Wedding

  The wedding was brilliant. Everyone was dressed up. Dad wore a suit. I had never, ever seen him in a suit before. I was quite proud of him! Miriana looked wonderful. Divine might have been stunningly attractive, but my new mum was beautiful in a very different way. It seemed to come from things that you couldn’t actually see, but you knew they were there.

  Miriana said she was going to do my hair for the wedding.

  ‘Good,’ said Dad. ‘Those spots look daft.’

  ‘I like them,’ I insisted.

  ‘We change them for wedding,’ Miriana said, and Dad grinned at me. I was furious and went stomping out of the room.

  Anyhow, a couple of days later Miriana sneaked quietly into my bedroom. ‘Now, Mr Leopard. I think is time for change. We do your hairs, eh?’

  ‘I don’t want my hair done,’ I growled.

  Miriana shrugged. ‘So, I don’t want my hairs done either. You think I like to look like some kind of fashion doll, some Boobie?’

  I couldn’t help giggling. ‘Barbie,’ I told her.

  ‘All right, Barbie. But is not me.’ She studied me seriously. ‘Wedding is important day for all of us. Yes?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Everyone go to lot of trouble. We must look good, so we have hairs done.’

  I started to say something, but Miriana stopped me. ‘I have idea. I think, how we go to wedding? You, me, Tamsin? How we have hairs? Then I have good idea. Wedding is special day, beautiful day, so… we go like Birds of Paradise.’

  I stared at her. My new mum wanted all three of us to dye our hair so that we looked like Birds of Paradise? Wow!

  And that’s exactly what we did. Dad almost fainted on the spot! He was so surprised. He really couldn’t think of anything to say. He stood there, rocking slightly on his feet, staring at our multicoloured heads with his eyes practically bursting out of their sockets.

  Then he smiled, and Tammy laughed and everything was all right. Miriana said that Dinah and Arnold had to come to the wedding too. Dinah sat on Dad’s shoulder until she got overexcited and went and sat on his head instead.

  As for Arnold, he was the chief bridesmaid! (Julie and Miss Pettigrew were the others, and Miss Pettigrew cried all the way through.) Arnold wore a lovely white dress and a little crown of flowers on his head. He looked quite sweet, except that when the registrar said to

  Dad, ‘Do you take this woman to be your wife?’ Arnold leaned to one side and parped.

  You know how sometimes you want to laugh and you know you shouldn’t because everything is meant to be serious? It was like that. I was struggling to stop myself bursting with giggles, and so were Tammy and Miriana. You’ll never guess who it was that started.

  It was Dad! He just couldn’t help himself. He collapsed in a heaving heap of hysterics and of course that set the rest of us off. Arnold twigged that he’d done something funny and immediately stuffed his hand under his armpit and began pumping. Splurrrgh! Splurrrgh! Even the registrar was rolling about. It was a fabulous day!

  We had a party back at our house and Sanjeev and his family came and friends of Dad and Miriana. As soon as Sanjeev saw me he fished about in his pockets and eventually pulled out a matchbox.

  ‘I got you a wedding present,’ he said.

  ‘But it’s not my wedding!’

  ‘I know, but I thought why should the bride and groom get everything? So I got something especially for you.’

  ‘That’s really kind, Sanjeev. Thanks.’

  I pushed open the little box. Inside was a small bit of twig. ‘What is it?’

  ‘A stick insect.’

  ‘It’s a twig.’

  ‘No, it’s a stick insect, but its legs have fallen off.’

  ‘Sanjeev!’

  He shrugged happily. ‘Well, I don’t suppose anyone else has ever given you a present like that, so it’s very special, and it’s from me.’

  ‘You’re an idiot.’

  ‘Takes one to know one,’ he said with a grin.

  Miriana had done nearly all the cooking (with some help from Tammy) and the food was fabulous. I’d asked her to make some custard as a special treat.

  IT HAD LUMPS IN IT! Even Dinah made a song and dance about it. She flew round and round the room squawking, ‘Custard! Make custard!’

  So not everything is quite perfect yet. But we’re all back home and settling down and getting used to each other. It feels strange now, but probably in a year or two it won’t seem odd at all. It will be like this has always been our family all six of us – Dad, Miriana-Mum, Tammy Dinah, Arnold and me.

  Happy ever forever? Wait and see.

  Dinah’s Epilogue

  The clinic door banged open and in came a spotty girl and a man, with a stretcher between them. Another man was lying face down on the stretcher with what looked like a large brown accident stuck on his back. Mr Peter was speechless.

  ‘It’s me dachshund, Chantelle,’ said the girl with a sniff. ‘She’s stuck again.’

  I was rammed against the bars of my cage, trying to work out what had been going on. It was quite a puzzle. I could just about see a splattered sausage shape spread across the man’s back, but that was all.

  ‘Wuff,’ said the splatter shape.

  ‘She went for me,’ complained the man on the stretcher. ‘Wasn’t my fault. She leaped on my back and now she’s stuck there.’

  Mr Peter ran his fingers over the back of the man’s coat. ‘Good heavens! Your coat’s made of Velero!’

  ‘That’s right. I’m known as Mr Gecko. I run a fairground attraction. You wear Velero pads and hurl yourself at the wall and stick there, like a fly. I was getting ready for a demonstration event when this hairy sausage comes hurtling across the field and leaps up at me. I turned my back on her and now she’s stuck there. Stupid animal!’

  ‘She thought you were a rabbit,’ sniffed the girl.

  A rabbit? I fell off my perch, laughing. I couldn’t help it. I just lay on my back on the floor of my cage, plucking the air helplessly with my claws and gasping for breath.

  ‘Do I look like a rabbit?’ demanded the man on the stretcher.

  ‘I meant a squirrel.’

  A squirrel? Oh, please! Someone help me! I was dying of laughter. I thought I’d shake every feather from my body. Even Mr Peter was desperately trying to keep a straight face.

  ‘Well, you’re definitely like a hedgehog,’ the girl went on defiantly

  ‘Wuff,’ went the claggy brown mess.

  Mr Peter fetched a pair of scissors. He helped the man to sit up and began to cut the dog free. ‘I’m afraid her coat will look a bit of a mess for a while, but in time it will grow back.’ At last he lifted the dog clear. What a sight! She had semi-bald patches all over her. The girl gave Mr Gecko a haughty glare, sniffed loudly and swept from the room.

  ‘They’re a right pair, they are,’ muttered Mr Gecko. He scowled across at me. ‘What’s that bird doing? Is she laughing?’

  Laughing? Oh yes! I laughed so much I wet myself. Excusez-moi!

  Tail-piece:

  No animals (or humans) were hurt during the writing of this story.

 

 

  chive.