The Beak Speaks Read online

  ‘Let’s take a look at this snake. It’s quite a rarity. I don’t often see one like this.’

  ‘No? It was my husband’s snake.’

  I groaned inwardly. Of course, she was bound to be married. Dad had picked up on this too.

  ‘Oh, so you’re married then, Mrs…?’

  ‘Please, call me Divine. All my friends call me Divine.’

  ‘Divine? What a beautiful name,’ beamed Dad. He did like her! I knew it! ‘A beautiful name for a beautiful lady.’

  Double wow! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kept absolutely still in the corner of the room. I didn’t want to break the magic of this moment. There they were, looking deep into each other’s eyes, with great, big, silly smiles right across their faces. Divine gave a little sigh.

  ‘I was married. My husband died, poor man. He was bitten.’

  ‘I’m sorry. Was it a snake?’

  ‘No. A hippopotamus.’

  ‘A hippopotamus! How horrible for you!’

  ‘It was worse for Boris,’ said Divine. ‘Yes. There was lots of blood. Boris was a big man, but I never guessed he had so much blood in him and it all came out, you know. The thing about hippos – you don’t mind me telling you, do you?’ Divine broke off and touched Dad’s fingers. Dad was looking very concerned and he began gently patting Divine’s hand.

  ‘No, do go on, if it helps.’

  ‘Oh, it does. You see, the thing about hippos is that they have very big, very strong teeth, but they are rather blunt. Poor Boris – he wasn’t exactly bitten to death – he was more, sort of mashed.’

  ‘Urgh!’

  ‘Yes, and here’s an odd thing: the hippo was caught the very next day and when they opened up the beast’s belly do you know what they found?’

  Dad and I stared at her, hanging on her every word.

  ‘All that was left was one sock, one blue sock,’ she said, quietly shaking her head. ‘With a diamond pattern on it. I’d given him that pair of socks for Christmas only a few weeks earlier…’ Poor Divine began to sob. Dad put a comforting arm round her shoulder and handed her a tissue.

  There was a very loud screech from beneath the cage cover. ‘Darkuss! Darkuss!’

  ‘Shut up, Dinah!’ I hissed.

  ‘Unusual bird,’ observed Divine between sniffs, gazing curiously at Dinah’s cage.

  ‘Everything is unusual around here these days,’ Dad said evenly. ‘One never knows what’s going to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised to find a chimp in my front room, or even an elephant.’

  Divine smiled at me. She had the most amazing smile. It was like a fabulous sunrise.

  ‘Your wife must be very proud of you,’ she said.

  ‘My ex-wife lives in America,’ Dad answered, with a little scowl.

  ‘I see, so she’s slipped away and left you with the problem of working and looking after Mark.’

  ‘And Tamsin. She’s four. It’s not easy.’ Dad sighed. ‘The childminder refuses to look after Tammy any longer and she doesn’t start school for two months. It’s a bit of a headache, to tell you the truth.’

  Divine raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh dear. That must be difficult.’

  ‘It is. Still, let’s sort out this snake.’ Dad examined the creature for about the fifth time. Every time he started he seemed to end up gazing at Divine instead. I was finding it very hard to keep my enormous grin inside my mouth instead of outside. I was so happy. Dad definitely liked her!

  ‘Mr Draper…’

  ‘Please, call me Peter.’

  ‘Thank you. Peter, I have an idea. I do hope you won’t mind my suggesting this. Why don’t you let me look after your daughter? I don’t work at the moment. I have looked after children before. I could even look after her at your house, so that you are close by.’

  There was an explosion of noise from under Dinah’s cover. It sounded as if a brass band had just erupted inside it, and Dinah was screaming and screaming, ‘Darkuss! Darkuss!’

  Divine stared at the cage as I banged the side with my hand until Dinah stopped.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly ask you to do something like that,’ said Dad, while I kept my fingers crossed behind my back and thought, Please, please let Divine look after Tamsin. It will be brilliant!

  ‘But you’re not asking, I’m offering,’ Divine pointed out. ‘How about we try it for a week? Then you can decide if you want to keep me on. What about that?’

  ‘Are you sure? I mean, when would you be able to start?’

  ‘Monday. I have nothing better to do and I would love to look after Tamsin. I’m sure we shall get on well. I’m very good with children and animals.’

  So that was that. Divine was coming to look after Tamsin and that meant that Dad would see even more of her and they were bound to fall in love because they obviously liked each other and everything was going to be utterly brilliant!

  9 Dinah: Spot the Dog

  Are they deaf? Are they totally brain-dead? I tried to tell them, over and over again. I rattled my bars. I banged my beak. I gave myself a massive headache trying to get them to understand. I thought humans were supposed to be intelligent! I mean, there was Divine, right under their noses! The very woman who had almost killed me with a vacuum cleaner. And she knew who I was. Oh yes! I’d seen the way she looked at me.

  I tried to tell them and what did they do? Did they listen? Did they say, ‘Ooh, dearie me, Dinah says you’re a nasty piece of work and we mustn’t listen to you’? What did they do? They shut me up!

  Oh yes! Very clever, I don’t think. Humans, eh? What do you do with them?

  Anyhow, once they’d got the cover on I thought I’d better sit there and listen. I might learn something. I might find out what she was up to. And I did. She’s going to start with Tammy. She’ll get her claws on her and then she’ll lure them over to The Dark House somehow, and that will be it – trap sprung!

  Why couldn’t they see what was right under their noses? All they saw was how gorgeous she was, how beautiful, and didn’t she smell wonderful? Well no, actually, she didn’t. She stank. She stank of dead and dying animals.

  I was in such a state of shock by the time Divine left that Mark took my cover off to see if I’d died or something.

  ‘What was all that noise about?’ he asked. ‘Why do you keep saying “darkuss”?’

  ‘House,’ I said, clearly and slowly, and I fixed him with one eye. ‘Dark House.’

  ‘You daft bird,’ laughed Mark.

  I was trying to save his life and he was laughing at me! He tried to tickle me under the chin, so I bit his finger. Ha ha. Mynah joke.

  I was just thinking that humans were quite probably the most stupid invention ever, when the next patient came in and I immediately settled down for a bit of fun because guess who it was?

  Miriana – the Madwoman from Romania! Remember her? She was back, and she’d brought a dog with her, a dog with spots. Mr Peter wasn’t at all pleased.

  ‘Good morning,’ he said, ever so stiffly.

  ‘Oh,’ said the Madwoman. ‘You are Mr Snappy this morning, I think. You have no smile?’

  ‘I’m very busy,’ said Mr Peter, even more stiffly. ‘What have you brought today? Is it alive or dead?’

  Miriana lifted the creature on to the examining table. ‘Is dog – you no tell? You strange vet if you no tell dog. She verrry sick. You see. She has spots. I think it is, how you say, German missiles.’

  Well! I fell off my perch laughing and Mark started sniggering in the corner.

  ‘German measles,’ corrected Mr Peter. ‘Which is very surprising, because dogs don’t get measles.’

  He bent over the little terrier, closely examining the red spots, while Miriana waited. Mr Peter straightened his back and glared at her.

  ‘These spots have been put on with lipstick,’ he said coldly.

  ‘SQUA$@*%ARFF!’

  I’d only just climbed back on my perch and there I was on the floor of my cage again, spluttering with laughter, while Miria
na gave Mr Peter a look of shocked surprise.

  ‘No! Is lipstick? Where dog get lipstick? Why dog put on lipstick?’ A good question, I thought. I mean, I know dogs are stupid, but I’d never heard of one wearing lipstick before.

  ‘The dog didn’t do it. You did it.’

  ‘Me? You think I mad? I no do this. Dog do this. Dog verrry sick – has German missiles.’

  ‘There is nothing wrong with this dog,’ insisted Mr Peter.

  ‘Oh yes, dog sick. How many dog you know wear lipstick? Dog must be mad. Dog need psychiatrist.’

  ‘You’re the one that needs the psychiatrist,’ growled Mr Peter, wiping the little spots of lipstick off the dog’s coat. ‘Why do you insist on coming to my surgery with an animal that has nothing wrong with it?’

  Miriana’s eyes widened and she shook her head. ‘You no understand? Men are so stupid.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mr Peter said with an icy smile. ‘That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.’

  Miriana burst out laughing. ‘Is good joke! OK, I tell you why I come. Is because I like you. You man, I woman. We are good for each other, I think. I make you happy. Happy ever forever.’

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake stop saying that,’ cried Mr Peter. ‘This is not some fairy tale!’

  ‘Why you angry?’ asked Miriana quietly.

  ‘Because, because you are utterly… unbelievable!’ yelled Mr Peter. ‘And you’re driving me mad. Take your spotty dog and go away!’

  ‘Is not my dog,’ said Miriana with a shrug.

  ‘What do you mean, it’s not your dog?’ Mr Peter was utterly bewildered. Miriana gave another little shrug.

  ‘I find outside. You ask for sick animal so I bring you sick animal.’

  ‘Does it have a name?’ asked the vet.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And it’s called…?’

  A third shrug. ‘I don’t know,’ murmured Miriana, with an almost invisible smile.

  ‘But you said it had a name!’

  ‘Of course. Everyone know all dog have name, but I don’t know what they are. Do you? You know name of every dog in world? You must be very clever man. Brain as big as space station, I think!’

  Oh yes! This was getting better and better. I really liked this strange woman. There was something about her that made me feel there was a lot more to her than she was letting on.

  Mr Peter tried to stay calm, but the effort just made him look silly and pompous. ‘Please take this dog back to where you found it. You cannot go around the streets picking up dogs and painting them with lipstick. Mark, it’s time to take Tamsin back to the house. While you’re at it, you can see this person out, and do make sure she actually goes.’

  Miriana picked up the dog and made big eyes at Mr Peter. She pulled a long face. ‘OΚ. I take. I go. Bye-bye, Mr Vetman. See you tomorrow.’

  10 Mark: More Mad Stuff

  I opened the door for Miriana and she marched back into the waiting room where she promptly handed the dog over to Julie, who got out a tissue and wiped off any remaining spots of lipstick.

  ‘Thank you. She is good dog.’

  ‘Yes, she belongs to Mr Cameron. He’s on holiday for a week. He always leaves her with us when he goes away.’

  ‘You won’t say I put lipstick on his dog?’

  Julie chuckled. ‘He won’t mind. He’ll think it just as funny as I do. Anyway, have you won over Peter yet?’

  I listened to all this with growing astonishment. Julie and the Madwoman seemed to be plotting together. This wasn’t what I had planned at all. Things were getting too muddled for me. I’d only just sorted out Dad and Divine – they were getting on like a house on fire. Now Julie was encouraging Miriana.

  ‘How did you get on?’ Julie asked the Madwoman.

  Miriana growled. ‘Oh, he’s like a bear, you know, grrrr.’

  I couldn’t help smiling. Miriana was about right. Dad was like a bear sometimes, all gruff and big and bristly.

  Julie laughed. ‘You should never give up, you know.’

  ‘I not so sure. There are – how you say? – plenty more fish to fry.’

  Julie laughed. ‘You mean there are plenty more fish in the sea. I don’t think you want to fry them.’

  Miriana gave a tired smile. ‘Maybe I want to fry some of them. My trouble – I have big trouble – is I like Vetman. I know he cross with me, but his eyes are kind. Only cross because he don’t know what to do. He is good man with big heart.’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Julie. ‘He’s a good man.’

  There was a tremendous barking outside and an enormous Alsatian came flying through the door, dragging along a man on the other end of the lead.

  ‘SIT – TWINKLE!’ yelled the man, while the dog roared and yowled and snapped at everything in sight, lashing out on the end of its lead, its jaws slavering. ‘TWINKLE – SIT!’

  The Alsatian carried on barking, barking, barking, until Tamsin was cowering behind Julie’s counter and screaming with terror. Julie had turned completely white and was clutching Tammy to her knees. I climbed on to one of the seats, trying to keep my legs out of the dog’s snapping jaws, and Twinkle barked so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst.

  Dad opened the surgery door to see what all the noise was about and had to slam it immediately as the Alsatian whisked round and made a tremendous lunge at him, all teeth and snarl and snapping jaws.

  But Miriana simply stood there, stock still, and when the dog had his back to her she slipped down on one knee and laid a hand on the beast’s back. She just said one thing. It wasn’t a word, it was more of a sound: half grunt, half question – Urh?

  Twinkle growled, but he slowly sank to the floor and lay down whilst Miriana continued to stroke the creature and murmur to him until he was still and quiet. At last she got to her feet.

  ‘Poor thing,’ she murmured. ‘He was scared.’

  Julie let out a long sigh of relief. ‘Phew! We were all scared. It’s OK, Tammy, the dog won’t hurt you. Look, Miriana has told him to be quiet.’

  And that was just about right. Miriana had told the dog to be quiet. Told him!

  Dad’s door opened again and he gazed down at the silent dog. It was as if nothing had happened. Twinkle was being as good as gold. Dad frowned at Miriana.

  ‘Thank you.’ he said, in his gruff Daddy Bear voice.

  ‘You’re welcome, Vetman,’ she smiled.

  ‘How did you do that?’

  ‘Is old Romanian trick. My grandmother taught me. She is old Romanian.’

  Tammy poked her head out from behind the counter. ‘Bad dog,’ she whispered. I went across and held her hand.

  ‘I’ll take Tam home, Dad.’

  ‘And I will come with you and make sure she is all right,’ said Miriana. We walked across to the house together. I was glad she was there. There was something I had to ask her.

  ‘Do you like my dad?’

  ‘No, is more than that. I am going to marry him.’

  ‘Blimey! Does he know?’

  Miriana gave me a kind of sideways glance. It was so funny, like she’d been caught doing something rude behind the teacher’s back. ‘I tell him, but he not listen. He is like man staring at pavement.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know, man walking along, he look at pavement, he don’t look ahead so he no see what is coming. Your father, he no see me coming yet, but he will. He will.’

  ‘How are you going to make him do that?’

  ‘Oh, I make goo-goo eyes and tell him he so wonderful and he fall in love with me and we kiss and hug and kiss and hug. Then he say, “Oh, you are so beautiful, my darling, like star in sky. You are queen of my heart. Marry me at once!” Then everyone happy ever forever.’

  Miriana made me laugh, but I was pretty sure things were not going to work out the way she wanted. ‘I don’t know,’ I mumbled. ‘You’re very nice but I think he’s got his eye on someone else.’

  She stopped dead. ‘There is someone else?’

&
nbsp; ‘The new childminder. She’s going to look after Tamsin. She’s called Divine.’

  ‘Divine? Pah! Is stupid name, like goddess. She is goddess? I don’t think so!’

  ‘She is very beautiful,’ I ventured.

  ‘Will she make a crockadipe?’ Tamsin suddenly interrupted.

  ‘I don’t know, Tammy’

  ‘Will she make play dough?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. You’ll have to wait and see.’

  ‘I can make play dough,’ offered Miriana.

  ‘Then you can come to my house and look after me!’ Tammy cried.

  ‘No, she can’t,’ I hissed at Tamsin. ‘Stop interfering, will you? Dad’s already asked Divine to look after you on Monday.’ I tried to change the subject and asked Miriana how she had managed to calm the Alsatian.

  ‘You children, so many questions!’ Miriana shrugged. ‘I always understand animals, ever since little girl. Is like I hear their thoughts and they hear mine.’

  ‘Really? That’s like me! I was talking with a chimpanzee last night – well, it felt like we were talking. He came down our chimney. Dad doesn’t believe me, but he did.’

  ‘That is very unusual, I think,’ Miriana said.

  ‘You don’t believe me.’

  Miriana shook her head. ‘I believe you, Vetboy. I just say is unusual. Is no wonder your father finds it difficult. Where did this chimpanzee come from?’

  ‘I don’t know. He didn’t look very well. And now he’s got my dressing gown.’

  The Madwoman was looking at me now with a strange expression. Her eyes were so dark and deep and she looked and looked at me, as if she was searching for something. ‘Sometimes, at night, I feel there is something strange in this town. I think I hear animals howling. I open window and listen to darkness but there is nothing, nothing, just this feeling of big sadness somewhere, like dark cloud.’ She shook her head. ‘I sorry. Should not tell you this. Is not for children. I must go home. Bye-bye, Vetboy and Vetgirl!’

  She is definitely weird. Really nice, but weird. Really, really nice. But definitely weird. I like her.