Jeremy Strong's Laugh-Your-Socks-Off Joke Book Read online

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Jeremy

  STRONG’S

  LAUGH-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF

  Joke Book

  Jeremy Strong once worked in a bakery, putting the jam into three thousand doughnuts every night. Now he puts the jam in stories instead, which he finds much more exciting. At the age of three, he fell out of a first-floor bedroom window and landed on his head. His mother says that this damaged him for the rest of his life and refuses to take any responsibility. He loves writing stories because he says it is ‘the only time you alone have complete control and can make anything happen’. His ambition is to make you laugh (or at least snuffle). Jeremy Strong lives near Bath with his wife, Gillie, four cats and a flying cow.

  Are you feeling silly enough to read more?

  THE BEAK SPEAKS

  CHICKEN SCHOOL

  DINOSAUR POX

  GIANT JIM AND THE HURRICANE

  I’M TELLING YOU, THEY’RE ALIENS!

  THE INDOOR PIRATES

  THE INDOOR PIRATES ON TREASURE ISLAND

  THE KARATE PRINCESS

  THE KARATE PRINCESS AND THE LAST GRIFFIN

  THE KARATE PRINCESS TO THE RESCUE

  THE KARATE PRINCESS IN MONSTA TROUBLE

  KRAZY KOW SAVES THE WORLD – WELL, ALMOST

  LET’S DO THE PHARAOH!

  PANDEMONIUM AT SCHOOL

  PIRATE PANDEMONIUM

  THE SHOCKING ADVENTURES OF LIGHTNING LUCY

  THERE’S A PHARAOH IN OUR BATH!

  THERE’S A VIKING IN MY BED

  TROUBLE WITH ANIMALS

  VIKING AT SCHOOL

  VIKING IN TROUBLE

  Read more about Streaker’s adventures:

  THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  RETURN OF THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  WANTED! THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  LOST! THE HUNDRED-MILE-AN-HOUR DOG

  Read more about Nicholas’s daft family:

  MY DAD’S GOT AN ALLIGATOR!

  MY GRANNY’S GREAT ESCAPE

  MY MUM’S GOING TO EXPLODE!

  MY BROTHER’S FAMOUS BOTTOM

  MY BROTHER’S FAMOUS BOTTOM GETS PINCHED

  MY BROTHER’S FAMOUS BOTTOM GOES CAMPING

  Jeremy STRONG’S

  LAUGH-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF

  Joke Book

  PUFFIN

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,

  New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700,

  Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland

  (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell,

  Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

  Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,

  New Delhi-110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632,

  New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank,

  Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices:

  80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  puffinbooks.com

  First published 2008

  1

  Copyright © Puffin Books, 2008

  Introduction and ‘The Indoor Pirates and Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-

  Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles’ copyright © Jeremy Strong, 2008

  Illustrations copyright © Nick Sharratt, Rowan Clifford, Ian Cunliffe 2008

  Based on Jeremy Strong’s books, copyright © Jeremy Strong

  Compiled by Amanda Li

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author and illustrators has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-0-14-191020-8

  Contents

  Introduction

  Hundred-Mile-an-Hour Hilarity

  Animal Antics

  Dippy Dinosaurs

  The Indoor Pirates and Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles Part One

  Pirate Pandemonium

  Potty Pharaohs

  Vagrant Vikings

  Foolish Families

  Suffering Superheroes

  The Indoor Pirates and Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles Part Two

  Alien Antics

  Giant Guffaws

  Kicking Karate

  Accidents and ‘Jackcidents’

  Seasonal Silliness

  Answers

  Introduction

  Here it is – my very first joke book!

  I hope you like it.

  In fact I hope you laugh so much your socks

  come zooming off your feet like rockets.

  You will find even more than jokes in here too!

  There are snippets from many of the stories

  I’ve written, PLUS a brand-new two-part tale

  about those daft Indoor Pirates.

  Enjoy!

  Hundred-Mile-an-Hour Hilarity

  Meet Trevor. He’s the owner of Streaker, a rocket on four legs with a woof attached! Streaker’s the fastest dog in the world – and she’s also pretty quick at getting into trouble. Poor old ‘Trevor Two-Legs’ (as Streaker calls him) is always having to get himself and the Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog out of scrapes. But he wouldn’t have it any other way!

  Streaker is the best dog in the whole world! It’s just that she’s a bit unpredictable. And uncontrollable. And a general nuisance. And a criminal and a lot more besides. Even so you couldn’t help loving her – at least I couldn’t.

  Wanted! The Hundred-Mile-an-Hour Dog

  Streaker Scramble

  All these mixed-up words are parts of Streaker’s body. Can you unscramble them and draw lines to the right bits of her body?

  Streaker Shapes

  Look carefully at these pictures of Streaker. Can you match each picture to the right shadow on the page opposite? Draw lines to make pairs.

  Fast or Slow?

  Streaker is part greyhound, which makes her one of the fastest dogs around! How much do you know about fast and slow animals? Look at the six animals below and write them in order of speed – the fastest at the top, the slowest at the bottom. We’ve put Streaker in already to start you off.

  1____________________________ (FASTEST)

  2____________________________

  3_______greyhound______

  4____________________________

  5____________________________

  6____________________________ (SLOWEST)

  Animal Antics

  Dynamite dogs aren’t the only animals causing havoc. In The Trouble with Animals there’s a whole host of creatures, including foxes, rabbits, donkeys and even a penguin. And in The Beak Speaks Dinah the mynah bird, along with a helpful chimpanzee called Arn
old Teabag, foil the evil Divine’s plans to make money out of a houseful of captive wild animals.

  There was a chimp sitting on the floor with our coffee table on his head. He was covered in soot and a big sooty trail led all the way from the fireplace to where he was sitting.

  ‘Hello,’ I said, like you do when you meet a chimp with a table on his head. Dinah and the chimp stared at me. He lifted one leg and … well, piffed, noisily. Dinah gave a small choking noise and slowly toppled backwards off her perch.

  The Beak Speaks

  Animal Wordsnake

  Evil Divine has been keeping lots of animals caged up in her house so she can sell them at a profit! Can you find the animals in the wordsnake opposite? Using a pencil (in case you make a mistake) trace the words, which are in the order shown below. The words form a continuous line, snaking up and down, backwards and forwards, but never diagonally.

  Puppies, Kittens and More …

  Can you match the baby animals below to grown-up parents?

  1 dog

  a fawn

  2 donkey

  b kitten

  3 deer

  c cub

  4 elephant

  d puppy

  5 fox

  e kid

  6 spider

  f chick

  7 bird

  g foal

  8 cat

  h spiderling

  9 goat

  i calf

  Dippy Dinosaurs

  Jodie is fed up. She hates her horrible hair and freckles. She wishes she could change. Then one morning she wakes up only to discover that she has turned into a stegosaurus! And she’s not sure if she likes the change …

  It was a dinosaur that got out of bed the next day – a dinosaur with fat, stumpy legs like thick tree trunks. Instead of freckles she had purple and green blotches all over her fat, scaly body. She had a long thick tail. She had great leathery plates sticking out of her back, like fins that had been designed by somebody who couldn’t draw. She had a small head with little red glinting eyes, a long snout and an even longer thick purple tongue.

  Dinosaur Pox

  Dino True or False

  Are you a dino expert? Read the sentences below, then tick the true or false box.

  1 Dinosaurs are extinct.

  TRUE FALSE

  2 Some dinosaurs were as small as chickens.

  TRUE FALSE

  3 Scientists don’t know what colour dinosaurs were.

  TRUE FALSE

  4 Humans lived at the same time as dinosaurs.

  TRUE FALSE

  5 Some dinosaurs ate only plants.

  TRUE FALSE

  6 Scientists have now discovered all the different kinds of dinosaur that once existed.

  TRUE FALSE

  Dino-words

  How many words can you make from the word:

  DINOSAUR?

  Write your words in the space below.

  Dinosaur Match

  Jodie’s brother Mark knew immediately that she had turned into a stegosaurus! But can you a tell a tyrannosaur from a triceratops? Read the dinosaur descriptions below and see if you can match them to the right pictures.

  1 This dinosaur had sharp horns on its head and nose.

  2 This dinosaur had a spiky tail and lots of hard bony plates running from its head to its tail.

  3 This dinosaur was enormous, with a long tail. It ate only plants.

  4 This dinosaur had very sharp teeth that enabled it to kill its prey quickly.

  The Indoor Pirates and Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles

  Part One: An unpleasant surprise

  The Indoor Pirates had been out shopping and now they were on their way home in Captain Blackpatch’s truck. The truck was blood red, which was the captain’s favourite colour. Blackpatch had made the garage man paint a skull and crossbones on the side. The truck also had a Jolly Roger flying from the cabin.

  Lumpy Lawson, Bald Ben and the twins Molly and Polly had to sit in the back because there were only two seats in the front and the captain was the driver. The passenger seat was always taken up by an anchor. (If you’re wondering why he had an anchor there, you are about to find out.)

  And if you want to know why the pirates went around in a truck I will tell you. They didn’t like water and they didn’t like boats. So they stayed indoors most of the time, in their house: number 25 Dolphin Street. That’s why they were called the Indoor Pirates, of course. Everybody knows that!

  Polly and Molly were arguing, as usual.

  ‘I’m going faster than you!’ said Polly.

  ‘No, I’m going faster than you!’ yelled Molly.

  ‘Don’t be daft. You can’t go faster than me because we’re both in the same truck!’ cried Polly triumphantly.

  ‘I KNOW THAT!’ declared Molly. ‘And anyhow, guess what? I’m going slower than you, so there, nurr with knobs on.’ She put her fingers in her ears. ‘And now I can’t hear so I don’t know what you’re saying. La la la la.’ And she sang the rest of the way home.

  Polly sat opposite her sister and pulled faces at her.

  Molly closed her eyes. ‘I can’t see you either,’ she said, interrupting her singing for a second or two before carrying on. ‘La la la la …’

  Lumpy Lawson and Bald Ben heaved a sigh of relief when the captain at last turned into Dolphin Street. The truck went zooming down the road at great speed and just before they reached number 25, Captain Blackpatch rolled down his window and chucked out the anchor. He had never learned what brakes were for.

  The anchor bounced along the road several times, caught round a tree and a moment later they were jerked to a halt.

  ‘Right,’ declared the captain. ‘Everyone help get the shopping into the house.’ They began to unload the car.

  ‘My bag’s bigger than your bag,’ said Polly.

  ‘My bag is bigger AND heavier than yours,’ declared Molly. ‘So knickers to you.’

  ‘Well,’ smirked Polly, ‘your knickers are even bigger than your bag, because you have got such a gigantic big –’

  ‘AARGH!’ Captain Blackpatch gave a terrible cry and Polly never finished. The captain was standing at the open front door and staring into the house with horror.

  ‘We’ve been burgled!’ he cried.

  ‘Robbed!’ gasped Bald Ben. ‘Who would want to do a nasty thing like that?’

  Captain Blackpatch gave Ben a dark look. ‘Ben, we are pirates. We’re supposed to rob people – and now we’ve been robbed instead. It’s not right at all.’

  They stared at the mess the burglars had left behind. The sofa was upside down and had an armchair perched on top of it. Cushions lay everywhere. Vases had been smashed. Drawers had been pulled out and emptied on to the floor. Curtains had been torn from the windows. It was a sorry sight.

  ‘We’ve been stolened,’ said Polly.

  ‘Can’t say stolened, stupid. You have to say stolen,’ snapped Molly.

  ‘But we haven’t been stolen. We’re here. It’s what’s gone that’s been stolen,’ said Polly.

  ‘Nasty, horrible thieves!’ shouted Lumpy Lawson, shaking a knobbly fist at nothing in particular. ‘If only I could get my hands on them I’d put them in my biggest frying pan and sizzle ‘em until they jumped all over the place.’

  ‘What are we going to do?’ they chorused and everyone looked expectantly at Captain Blackpatch. He tugged at his beard thoughtfully. His eyes narrowed.

  ‘What we need is a plan!’ he declared. ‘Exactly. A plan. That’s what we need.’ And the others looked at Captain Blackpatch even more expectantly. He tugged his beard even harder.

  ‘And the plan is –’ he began, rolling his eyes from side to side as he scoured his head for an idea – ‘the plan is that I shall go upstairs to think and when I come down I shall tell you what the plan is.’

  Bald Ben scratched the tattoo on top of his bald head. (It was picture of a rose, with I LOVE MUM written underneath.) ‘I don’t think that will
work,’ said Bald Ben.

  ‘What do you mean? Captain Blackpatch eyed him suspiciously.

  ‘Well, your plan is that you’ll go upstairs to think and your other plan is that you’ll come down and tell us what it is. You can’t come down and tell us that the plan is that you’ll go upstairs and then come down and tell us what the plan is, because the plan is that you’ll go upstairs to think and then you’ll come down and you’ll spend all day just going up stairs and coming down again to tell us you’re going up and –’

  ‘SHUT UP!’ roared Captain Blackpatch. ‘You’re all idiots. Am I the only one with a brain here?’

  ‘Polly doesn’t have a brain –’ began Molly.

  ‘DON’T YOU START!’ warned the captain, giving the twins a black look. ‘I’m going upstairs to think, and you lot can put the shopping away AND tidy up this horrible mess.’ He clumped up the stairs and disappeared from sight.

  While the remaining pirates unpacked the bags, put all the shopping away AND cleared up the mess, Captain Blackpatch stayed upstairs thinking. The others knew he must be thinking very hard because they could hear his snores even from down below.

  They stared at the mess the burglars had left behind them and wondered where to start. Newspapers, plastic seagulls, letters, table lamps, eyepatches, shoes, wooden legs, toys, underpants, hooks, seaboots, bits of food, stuffed parrots and dirty plates had been thrown higgledy-piggledy all over the place and in every room. It was going to take hours to sort out. And all that time the captain stayed upstairs, thinking.