Jeremy Strong's Laugh-Your-Socks-Off Joke Book Read online

  It was four hours before Captain Blackpatch reappeared, but when he did he was wearing a broad smile.

  ‘I have solved our problem,’ he announced. ‘What we need is a guard dog, a very fierce guard dog, that will bark loudly if burglars ever come again.’

  ‘Yes!’ cried Lumpy Lawson. ‘And it can growl at them and show them big sharp teeth.’

  ‘And it can run after the burglars and bite their bottoms!’ shouted Molly.

  ‘It can bite your bottom!’ giggled Polly.

  ‘Bite yours first,’ snapped Molly.

  Bald Ben put his hand up. He had a question. The last time Bald Ben had asked a question he’d got Captain Blackpatch into a big muddle. The captain frowned.

  ‘What is it?’ he hissed.

  ‘I was just wondering, where will we get a guard dog from?’

  ‘A guard dog shop, you big, bouncing baldie!’

  yelled the captain. ‘A pet shop. There’s one in town. Come on.’

  So they piled back in the truck, drove off at high speed and immediately came to a crunching halt. The captain’s hat fell over his eyes. Lumpy Lawson spilled his drink and the twins banged their heads.

  ‘OW!’ yelled Molly.

  ‘My OW! is bigger than your OW!’ squeaked Polly.

  ‘No, my OW! is as big as the biggest head bump on the planet!’ countered Molly.

  ‘And MY OW! is as big as the biggest bump on the biggest planet in the biggest universe in the biggest ever whatever!’ squawked Polly triumphantly. ‘So there.’

  Molly gave her sister a poisonous smile. ‘Yes,’ she agreed. ‘But that’s because you’re as stupid as the biggest ever whatever, so there – multiplied.’

  Bald Ben got out and enjoyed the silence outside the truck for a few moments before he unwound the anchor from the tree. Off they went once more and this time they actually reached the pet shop.

  The Indoor Pirates stood outside and Captain Blackpatch rubbed his hands with glee. ‘We are going to get the best guard dog ever,’ he crowed. ‘Come on! Let’s get inside!’

  Will Captain Blackpatch’s plan work?

  Probably not!

  You can find out what happens next

  by reading Part Two on page 76.

  Pirate Pandemonium

  At Witts End Primary School, there’s shiploads of swashbuckling fun when the new supply teacher, Miss Pandemonium, lets her class be pirates for the whole of Book Week. While over at Pirate School, the fiercest head teacher to sail the seven seas, Patagonia Clatterbottom, is giving lessons in walking the plank and shivering ye timbers! Yo ho ho!

  Pirates did a lot of kidnapping and marooning and holding people to ransom. They used to board ships and seize all their gold and jewels and then they’d sail off to secret islands and bury their ill-gotten gains.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ grinned Samantha.

  Pirate Pandemonium

  Crow’s-Nest Climb

  Can you climb up the rigging to the pirates’ crow’s-nest? You’ll need to complete each pair of three-letter words with just one letter, e.g. T completes the end of SIT and the start of TEN. When you’ve finished, you’ll find out the name of a favourite pirate pet!

  Swashbuckling Crossword

  Solve the clues to complete this cunning crossword.

  ACROSS

  3 Pirates need a map to find the hidden _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

  6 A pirate flag has one of these on it.

  DOWN

  1 Some pirates have a _ _ _ _ instead of a hand.

  2 The name of a pirate sword.

  4 Pirates wouldn’t be able to sail the seven seas without one of these!

  5 Yo ho ho and a bottle of _ _ _!

  Pirate Know-How

  How much do you know about pirates? Test yourself by filling in the missing letters below. Then fill in the speech bubble with your own sentence.

  Things pirates like

  1 g _ ld

  2 r _ m

  Things pirates wear

  3 h _ t

  4 ey _ p _ _ ch

  Things pirates do

  5 f _ gh _

  6 s _ il

  Things pirates say!

  Potty Pharaohs

  The pharaoh Sennapod, once High King and Ruler of Upper and Lower Egypt, was brought back to life after four thousand years of mummification. Now the ancient Egyptian lives with Ben, Carrie and their parents at 27 Templeton Terrace – who find that life’s always exciting with an extra mummy around!

  Sennapod was lost. This was hardly surprising. He had been asleep for the last four thousand or so years and the world had changed quite a lot. He seemed to remember being buried deep inside some pyramid, on the edge of a great desert, but this didn’t look like a desert at all. There was no sand, no sun, and it was raining.

  There’s a Pharaoh in our Bath!

  Egyption Odd-One-Out

  Look carefully at the pictures. Can you find one picture in each set of three that is different from the rest?

  Sennapod’s Treasure Trail

  Sennapod is trying to get to the treasure map without Professor Jelly and Grimstone noticing. Can you help him find a way through the maze without disturbing the greedy pair?

  Vagrant Vikings

  In another crazy historical mix-up, a Viking arrives in the quiet twenty-first century town of Flotby. The Ellis family are astonished to have a big hairy Viking staying with them but they try to make the best of it. No one’s quite sure how Sigurd (aka Siggy) got there, but one thing’s for sure – having a Viking around certainly makes life interesting!

  The problem was very simple. Siggy had come straight out of the tenth century and into the twenty-first. A lot of things had changed since 900 AD, and Siggy was still trying to get used to them. Meanwhile Mr and Mrs Ellis were still trying to get used to him.

  Viking in Trouble

  Viking Word Grid

  How much do you know about Vikings? Look at the questions below and write the answers in the grid opposite. You will find the name of a well-known Viking in the vertical box!

  1 What a Viking used to fight with. Watch out, it’s very sharp!

  2 A Viking would protect himself from attack with one of these – it was usually round and brightly coloured.

  3 Vikings were famous for invading other lands. They would usually arrive by sea in one of these.

  4 What a Viking would wear on his body to protect himself.

  5 The famous Viking helmet has two of these sticking out on either side.

  6 Viking men had quite a lot of hair and they would usually have a _ _ _ _ _ on their face.

  Foolish Families

  There’s no doubt about it – Nicholas’s family are a bit … well, unusual. First of all his dad brings home an alligator called Crunchbag. Then his gran decides to get married to a motorbike-riding pensioner on a bouncy castle! Things get even crazier when Nicholas’s mum gives birth to twins in the back of a pizza delivery van – hence their nicknames, Cheese and Tomato. Now Cheese is advertising nappies and his bottom has become famous on billboards around the country!

  Dippy Dads

  I don’t think Mum is very happy about having an alligator in the house. She hates things with lots of teeth. (She can’t even bear to look at Grannie’s falsies when she puts them in cleaning fluid overnight!)

  My Dad’s got an Alligator!

  Giggles with Granny

  Yurrgh! I don’t believe it – my granny’s in love! She’s at least five thousand years old (well, sixty-two, really) and she’s gone all soppy about this man next door.

  My Granny’s Great Escape

  Babies and bottoms

  ‘Goodness gracious, all we seem to talk about in this house nowadays is poo and bottoms. I’m fed up with it all.’

  My Brother’s Famous Bottom Gets Pinched

  Big Bag Blunder

  Oh no! Everything’s fallen out of Cheese and Tomato’s changing bag and is mixed up with Nicholas’s school stuff. Can you help Nicholas by finding h
is school things and circling them?

  Nappy Trail

  Baby Cheese really needs to have his nappy put on, otherwise there might be a very smelly accident! Can you help him find the right trail?

  Spot the Difference

  Nicholas and his mum have been left holding the babies! Can you spot six difference between the two pictures?

  Suffering Superheroes

  Kow Kraziness

  Jamie Frink wants to be a famous film director so he decides to invent a new superhero to be the star of his movie – the one and only Krazy Kow!

  She’s fantastic, Krazy Kow. She’s got a lumpy head, a lumpy back and wobbly lumps underneath. She can talk too, and she’s got a Swiss Army udder. She has, really! You know what a Swiss Army penknife is like, with lots of gadgets? Well, Krazy Kow’s udder doesn’t just squirt milk. She also has a flame-thrower, rocket-launcher, water cannon, high-beam spotlight, mega-powerful vacuum cleaner and mirror for checking her make-up. (Plus a small prongy thing for getting stones out of horses’ hoofs.)

  Krazy Kow Saves The World – Well, Almost

  Laughs with Lightning Lucy

  From crazy cows to flying females – meet Lucy King. She’s a girl with extra-special powers – he can zoom through the air like a streak of lightning, flying from one amazing adventure to another!

  Super Crossword

  Test your superhero knowledge with this headscratching crossword!

  ACROSS

  4 All superheroes have special abilities. These are called _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

  6 A lot of superheroes can do this. It’s also something birds and planes can do!

  DOWN

  1 If a superhero wants to put on a disguise, he/she will wear this on their face.

  2 Some superheroes wear this round their waist – you can clip your gadgets on to it.

  3 This is part of a superhero’s outfit. It flies out behind you when you are going fast.

  5 Villains and baddies are usually this!

  The Indoor Pirates and Heart-Ripper-crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-cudles

  Part Two: The best guard dog ever?

  The pet shop owner, Mr Widgett, was surprised and a bit scared to see five pirates come marching into his shop. Mr Widgett was a small, hairy man and he was holding a small, hairy dog in his arms. The little dog had bright eyes and a pink tongue that stuck out.

  ‘Can I help you?’ asked Mr Widgett, putting the dog on the floor. It immediately began to bark and bounce up and down at the same time.

  Captain Blackpatch eyed it with annoyance.

  ‘We want a dog,’ he declared. ‘Not that titchy tiny kind of thing, but a proper dog.’

  ‘A big one,’ said Lumpy Lawson, holding a hand above his head to show how big the dog should be.

  ‘With big teeth,’ added Polly.

  ‘Big and sharp as sharks’ teeth,’ declared Molly.

  Bald Ben gave Mr Widgett and the bouncy dog a friendly smile. ‘I like that one,’ he murmured.

  The other four pirates turned and stared at Bald Ben. Captain Blackpatch shook his head and growled. ‘That dog is about as big as a melon and about as much use.’

  ‘Except you can eat melons,’ Polly butted in.

  ‘You can eat small dogs,’ said Lumpy Lawson, which wasn’t very nice of him at all. Mr Widgett let out a tiny, horrified squeak and Lumpy turned rather red. ‘So I’ve been told,’ he went on quickly. ‘With gravy. I’ve never tried it myself.’

  Mr Widgett cleared his throat carefully and said that, as it happened, he did have an Irish wolfhound, which was one of the biggest kinds of dog in the world. Captain Blackpatch nodded eagerly.

  ‘A wolfhound, eh? That sounds just the job. A wolfhound! It must be very fierce if it’s a wolfhound.’

  ‘With big sharp teeth,’ added Polly.

  ‘I said that first,’ Molly argued. ‘I said sharp as sharks’ teeth. Nurr.’

  Mr Widgett brought in the wolfhound. The dog was truly large, almost as tall as Polly and Molly. The shaggy giant stood there and blinked brainlessly at them.

  ‘Her name is Flower,’ Mr Widgett told the pirates.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! You can’t call a great big fierce dog like that Flower!’ snorted the captain. ‘We are going to call it Heart-Ripper.’

  ‘Crunch-Munch!’ said Lumpy.

  ‘Smelly-Belly!’ cried Molly.

  ‘Bum-Biter!’ yelled Polly.

  Bald Ben looked at the huge, grey, shaggy wolfhound. ‘Cuddles,’ he said with a soft smile, and the big beast leaned up against the muscle-bound pirate and licked his hand.

  Mr Widgett gave the pirates a couple of sacks of food and off they went back to the truck. With a lollop and a flollop Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles leaped into the back. The Indoor Pirates clambered up after her and the wind blew through the dog’s shaggy fur and big, floppy ears all the way home.

  In the driving seat Captain Blackpatch smiled broadly. He knew it was going to be just brilliant when they got back to the house. They would be safe forever with their enormous burglar-biting guard dog.

  The wolfhound soon made itself at home at number 25 Dolphin Street. First of all, it sniffed its way to the kitchen. On the way there it knocked over the coat stand in the hallway, swept the telephone off the table with its waggy tail and crashed through the kitchen doorway so hard that the door smashed into the wall and made a picture fall off and break on the floor.

  ‘Stop it!’ yelled Captain Blackpatch. ‘I’ve only just tidied everything up!’

  ‘We did the tidying!’ shouted Polly.

  ‘Exactly,’ added Lumpy, and the pirates glared at their captain.

  Blackpatch grunted and grumbled and finally pointed out that the other pirates had only done the tidying up because he had told them to, so really he should get the credit.

  Meanwhile, Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles was steadily eating her way through breakfast, lunch, tea, supper and all food stops in between. By the time she had finished the kitchen floor was covered in ripped packets and chewed shreds of cardboard. Food lay scattered in every direction.

  ‘Now look what you’ve done!’ Captain Blackpatch clutched his hat in despair. The dog gazed at him vacantly, licked her chops, wandered into the lounge and threw herself on the sofa. The sofa was so surprised that it fell over backwards, and there the two of them lay – the sofa and the dog – and Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles went to sleep.

  And snored.

  VERY LOUDLY.

  Captain Blackpatch folded his arms and gazed at the wolfhound. ‘That beast is going to be a very good guard dog,’ he said determinedly. ‘Now we shall be able to sleep safe in our beds, which reminds me that I need some sleep myself. You lot tidy up while I go upstairs and have a rest, I’m worn out.’

  ‘But you’ve only been up an hour or so, Captain, said Bald Ben.

  ‘Ben, I have been thinking and thinking is very tiring. Good night.’

  ‘Good morning, said Polly pointedly.

  ‘Good afternoon,’ Molly contradicted.

  Captain Blackpatch disappeared upstairs while the remainder of the Indoor Pirates tidied up, again. They had just finished when their new wonder guard dog woke up. Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles got to her feet, stretched her long body and knocked over two dining chairs. Then she decided to go exploring.

  The dog wandered out into the hallway and headed up the stairs. The four pirates grinned at each other. Their brave captain was up there, asleep. They crept up the stairs behind the wolfhound so that they could see what was going to happen next.

  Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles went into the bathroom and tried eating the soap. She didn’t like it so she spat it on to the floor in several chewed-up, useless lumps. She climbed into the tub, dumped the towels from the towel rail into the bath and somehow managed to turn on the shower.

  In the next few seconds seve
ral things happened. The dog got soaked, the towels got soaked, the dog tried to jump out of the bath but slipped on the wet sides and fell over. She rolled about getting even wetter and finally managed to heave herself out of the tub. Then she fled from that nasty room where it rained all the time and headed straight for Captain Blackpatch’s bedroom.

  Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles burst through the door without even opening it. The panels splintered into a thousand fragments of wood. The dog hurled

  herself on to the bed and immediately began to roll about, frantically trying to get herself dry.

  Captain Blackpatch was struggling beneath the weight of the bedraggled dog and the whole thing turned into a gigantic wrestling match.

  ‘Help!’ yelled the captain. ‘Save me!’

  ‘WOOF!’ went the dog and promptly sat on his face.

  ‘Gerroff! You’re suffocating me!’ squawked Captain Blackpatch.

  ‘WOOF!’ repeated the wolfhound.

  ‘And don’t bark in my ear, it hurts!’

  ‘WOOF!’

  They struggled and fought and barked and shouted until at last the bed legs broke, the bed crashed to the ground and both dog and pirate rolled on to the floor. By this time the captain’s bedroom had turned into a huge tangled, mangled pile of sheets and blankets, with muddy paw marks going in every direction.