Jeremy Strong's Laugh-Your-Socks-Off Joke Book Read online

  In the end, it was Bald Ben who saved the day. He waded into the mess, grabbed the wolfhound with his muscly arms and pulled her from the wreckage. Ben carried the hound downstairs and outside to the truck. He dumped her in the back. The other pirates trooped out, followed at length by a very dishevelled and angry, but silent, captain.

  Blackpatch drove them all straight back to the pet shop. Mr Widgett looked at the pirates in surprise, while the little hairy, bouncy dog did a lot of bouncing and barking and wagged his tail very hard at Bald Ben and tried to leap into his arms.

  ‘This wolfhound is useless,’ snapped the captain. ‘I have never come across such a useless, dopey dog. We want a different one.’

  ‘This one,’ smiled Bald Ben, because by this time the bouncy dog had finally managed to jump into his arms. It was of course the dog that Bald Ben had wanted all along.

  And so the pirates left Heart-Ripper-Crunch-Munch-Smelly-Belly-Bum-Biter-Cuddles at the shop and took their new small dog home, where she soon settled in and proved to be a very good guard dog indeed – despite her size.

  Captain Blackpatch told the other pirates to tidy up the house but this time they refused. So the captain had to sort out the bathroom and his bedroom while the others stayed with their new small dog downstairs and tried to think of a good name.

  ‘Bouncer,’ suggested Lumpy Lawson.

  ‘Smelly-Belly,’ said Molly.

  ‘You said that last time, stupid,’ snapped Polly. ‘Bum-Biter is much better.’

  ‘You said that last time,’ argued Molly. ‘Stupid yourself.’

  The twins argued and Bald Ben gazed fondly at the little dog nestling in his lap, with his tongue still sticking out.

  ‘Cuddles,’ said Bald Ben firmly. ‘Without all those other bits we had before. Just Cuddles.’

  And they all went to sleep.

  (Except for Captain Blackpatch, who was still tidying up, and besides, his bed was broken.)

  THE END

  Alien Antics

  There’s something very odd about the new family who’ve moved in across the road. They behave strangely, have weird penetrating eyes – and Rob is sure he’s seen a UFO hovering over their house. There’s only one answer – the Vorks must be aliens! What if they’re here to take over the Earth? And how can Rob save the world when nobody believes him?

  I knew they were aliens the first moment I saw them. I could feel it in my body. I got this kind of creeping sensation, as if ants were slowly crawling up and down the inside of my bones.

  I’m Telling You, They’re Aliens!

  Space Search

  Can you find these space-related words in the wordsearch below? They may go up, down, diagonally and even backwards.

  Alien Message

  What are the aliens in this spaceship trying to say to us? Find out by crossing out all the letters that appear twice in the spaceship. Then unscramble the letters that are left to get the message. Write it below.

  Puzzling Planets

  Rob is convinced that aliens are living out there in space. Take a look at the planets of our solar system and see if you can complete their names using only vowels – a, e, i, o or u.

  Giant Guffaws

  When Giant Jim comes to town, people are terrified they’ll be eaten or squashed. But Jim is actually a good giant who only means well. Unfortunately, he just can’t seem to do anything right – and he’s so big he seems to cause nothing but trouble!

  ‘Do you think you could speak more softly?’

  asked Mrs Goodbody. ‘Every time you speak

  it makes a terrible wind and we all fall over.

  And please don’t sneeze.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said the giant, and everyone fell

  over.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said again, very quietly, and

  everyone picked themselves up.

  Giant Jim and the Hurricane

  Gigantic Word Grid

  See how giant your brain is by trying this tricky word grid. If you get the answers right, you’ll find the name of a different kind of giant in the vertical box.

  1 Giant Jim isn’t short. In fact, he’s very _ _ _ _.

  2 This golden musical instrument was owned by the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk.

  3 If a giant wanted to stomp on you, he would probably use his big _ _ _ _.

  4 If Giant Jim fell into a lake, you would hear a very loud one of these!

  5 Another word that means ‘big’.

  Whopping Words

  Can you find – and circle – six words that would describe Giant Jim?

  Giant Changes

  Can you turn a giant into a plate? Read each question and write the new word, changing only one or two letters each time. All the words have five letters.

  GIANT

  Fairies and godmothers sometime _ _ _ _ _ wishes to lucky humans. Change one letter.

  Change one letter to get a noise pigs make.

  Change two letters to get a word that is the opposite of ‘sharp’.

  Change one letter to get something that flies.

  Change one letter to get something you eat your food from.

  Kicking Karate

  Princess Belinda is a force to be reckoned with! Unlike other princesses, Belinda decides to learn the ancient Japanese art of karate. Very soon she’s springing into action with her kicking karate skills, fighting bad beasties and vicious villains wherever she finds them. Look out – it’s the Karate Princess! Hi-yaa!

  ‘Aaaaa-HA!’ She gave a great yell, spun round on one foot and launched her other foot at the centre of the statue. There was a splinter of breaking stone and the statue cracked into two separate halves. Even as the top section toppled to the floor, Belinda raised her right arm and sliced the head off with a single blow of her bare hand.

  The Karate Princess

  Kicking Karate Wordsearch

  Hi-yaa! Princess Belinda’s on the warpath with her kicking karate moves. Can you find the karate-related words in the wordsearch below? The words may go up, down, diagonally or even backwards.

  Puzzling Princesses

  Belinda is very unusual for a princess – you don’t usually find kings’ daughters aiming chops and kicks at villains! But how much do you know about other famous princesses? Test your knowledge with the quiz below.

  1 This sleepy princess can only be awoken by the kiss of her one true love.

  The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

  2 This story is about a princess who had an uncomfortable night sleeping on a huge pile of mattresses.

  The Princess and the _ _ _

  3 This princess was imprisoned in a tall tower and grew her hair very long.

  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

  4 This story is about a princess who made a promise to a slimy creature – who turned out to be a handsome prince!

  The Princess and the_ _ _ _

  Accidents and ‘Jackcidents’

  What is it with Jack? He’s so accident-prone that he seems to live in the casualty department. Only Jack could sit on a fork and get it stuck in his bottom. Ouch! Only Jack could crash into a load of tinned tomatoes, then get knocked off his bike by a car … so it’s back to hospital for Jack!

  Mum says I’m a walking disaster. Dad says

  I don’t have accidents. ‘You’re an accident

  waiting to happen, Jack,’ he told me. ‘In fact,

  you are an accident.’

  ‘A Jackcident,’ sniggered my little bro Ben.

  Beware! Killer Tomatoes

  Killer Memory Test

  Jack: Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!

  Doctor: When did this happen?

  Jack: When did what happen?

  See if your memory is better than Jack’s with this tricky test! Study the picture while counting to thirty. Then cover it up with another book or piece of paper, making sure you can’t see the picture. Now try and answer the questions below.

  1 Jack’s right leg is in plaster

  True/False

&nbs
p; 2 Jack’s pyjamas are spotty

  True/False

  3 Two people are wearing glasses.

  True/False

  4 Everyone looks worried

  True/False

  5 Jack is sucking his thumb

  True/False

  Which Jack?

  Oh no! Jack’s come off his bike again! Look carefully at the four pictures below – which one is different?

  Seasonal Silliness

  Did you know that Father Christmas had a bad brother? And that he once plotted to turn everyone in the world into zombies – using Christmas puddings?!

  The Death Pudding is a gigantic, slowly revolving Christmas pudding. Engulfed in flames, it spins through Deep Space. This is home for Bad Christmas, a home as big as a football stadium. This is where he plots and

  plans. He is going to take over the world. But first of all he has to exterminate his brother and take his place.

  Yes! He is going to DESTROY FATHER CHRISTMAS!

  Invasion of the Christmas Puddings

  Luckily for us, his evil plan is foiled by a group of courageous children and their teacher, Miss Comet. Father Christmas rules again! Hurrah!

  Puddings and Pies

  Mmm! Christmas wouldn’t be the same without all those tasty treats. And there’s no way Bad Christmas is going to get his hands on these ones! Can you match up the words to find the treats?

  Spot the Difference

  Here’s Bad Christmas with his beanie monkey Boo-Boo! Can you spot six differences between the two pictures?

  Ridiculous Rhymes

  Now you’ve come to the end of the book, you’ll know all about a whole host of crazy characters. But can you find the correct word to complete these equally crazy rhymes?

  1 Look! There’s Streaker running past.

  Did you see her? She’s so _ _ _ _.

  2 Most pirates try their very best

  To find a glittering treasure_ _ _ _ _.

  3 Vikings were so big and strong,

  Their swords were sharp; their boats were _ _ _ _.

  4 There’s Lightning Lucy in the sky.

  Whoosh! That girl can really _ _ _.

  5 Poor Jack is just a big disaster.

  He broke his leg, now it’s in _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

  6 Giant Jim is very large.

  His bottom’s bigger than a _ _ _ _ _.

  ANSWERS

  Hundred-mile-an-hour-Hilarity

  Streaker Scramble: nose, eye, ear, tongue, paw, tail.

  Streaker Shapes: 1. F, 2. D, 3. A, 4. E, 5. C, 6. B.

  Fast or Slow? 1. Cheetah 2. Antelope 3. Greyhound 4. Rabbit 5. Tortoise 6. Snail

  Animal Antics

  Animal Wordsnake: see right

  Puppies, Kittens and more …

  1. d 2. g 3. a 4.i

  5. c 6. h 7. f 8. b 9. e

  Dippy Dinosaurs

  Dino True or False: 1. True

  2. True 3. True 4. False.

  5. True 6. False – we have discovered hundreds of species of dinosaur but there are probably still more out there.

  Dino-words: Here are some of the words we found. Did you find any others?

  ON, IN, AN, SUN, SON, SIR, SAD, RUN, DIN, ROD, OUR, OAR, NOD, AIR, AND, SOUR, SOAR, SAND, SAID, ROAD, RAIN, SARI, RAID, IRON, SOUND, ROUND, RADIO, DRAIN, AROUND

  Dinosaur Match: 1. b 2. a 3. c 4. d

  Pirate Pandemonium

  Crow’s-Nest Climb: parrot

  Swashbuckling Crossword: see right

  Pirate Know-How: 1. gold 2. rum 3. hat 4. eye patch 5. fight 6. sail.

  Potty Pharaohs

  Egyptian Odd-One-Out: l. c 2. a 3.b 4.c

  Sennapod’s Treasure Trail: see right

  Vagrant Vikings

  Viking Word Grid: see below

  Foolish Families

  Big Bag Blunder: Nicholas’s things are: pencil, pen, ruler, trainers, key ring, rubber, homework, library book.

  Nappy Trail: Answer is C.

  Spot the Difference: In picture 2: 1. Nicholas’s slippers have got pom-poms on them. 2. There is no belt/bow on Mum’s gown. 3. There are no polka dots on Nicholas’s left sleeve. 4. The baby Mum is holding has got black and white stripes on his suit. 5. The baby Nicholas is holding is bald. 6. Nicholas is smiling!

  Suffering Superheroes

  Super Crossword: see right

  Alien Antics

  Space Search: see left

  Alien Message: The message says ‘Help Us!’

  Puzzling Planets: Mars, Earth, Jupiter, Uranus, Mercury, Saturn, Venus, Neptune.

  Giant Guffaws

  Gigantic Word Grid: see left

  Whopping Words: big, huge, enormous, gigantic, massive, large.

  Giant Changes: GIANT – GRANT – GRUNT – BLUNT – PLANT – PLANE – PLATE

  Kicking Karate

  Kicking Karate Wordsearch: see right

  Puzzling Princesses: 1. The Sleeping Beauty 2. The Princess and the Pea 3. Rapunzel 4. The Princess and the Frog

  Accidents and ‘Jackcidents’

  Killer Memory Test: 1. True 2. False – the pyjamas are striped. 3. False – only one person is wearing glasses. 4. True 5. False – Jack has got his finger in his mouth.

  Which Jack? In picture C Jack seems to have lost one of his fingers!

  Seasonal Silliness

  Puddings and Pies: mince pie, roast turkey, Christmas pudding, cranberry sauce, yule log, brandy butter.

  Spot the Difference: In picture 2: 1. Boo-Boo has got eyelashes. 2. There is ‘BC’ instead of ‘FC’ on Bad Christmas’s suit. 3. Bad Christmas’s eyebrows are black. 4. Bad Christmas has only three fingers on his left hand. 5. He’s got an extra black stripe on his boots. 6. The lightning flash on his belt is reversed.

  Ridiculous Rhymes: 1. fast 2. chest 3. long 4. fly 5. plaster 6. barge